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after a few days’ silence

One of my astute readers said, I’ve been reading your stuff, and now I understand better what you’re doing, but I don’t know what you’re feeling. Bingo. Kind of like Kathy telling me I need to work from the heart, not the head. I like my head, it’s very comfortable here, mostly.

It has been a little less comfortable today; I’ve been in a funk. This is probably laziness and not to be sympathized with, but there it is. I have some excuses: I’ve had a headache all day, the weather has changed at least twice today, and it’s now rainy and chilly. The houseful of people I’ve enjoyed over the last 3-4 days have left, so I’m by myself again in this decidedly luxurious place. I turned the radio on again, but I didn’t do anything today. Some laundry (should go retrieve the last load from the dryer). Went to lunch with an old friend, Michael K, and gossiped about musical stuff. Once I got back (chilled, lulled by temporary sunshine that we were having another warm day), I went into protracted non-activity. This is just silly. If I got up, my head would ache less and I would warm up, and feel better if I got something done. Eventually — witness, I’m writing this — I did.

I keep telling people I am lazy and don’t do enough, because I know how often I spend time as I did this afternoon instead of doing something. Yes, I get a fair amount done (or done enough that I don’t get in trouble) but I could be doing more. I should be doing more. I would do more, if I got the secret to cutting the funk short and getting on my feet and doing it.

(and I believe I owe Pat’s jar some serious change after that last paragraph of could-have-would-have-should-have’s).

When I was pregnant, a few decades ago, I felt pretty awful most of the time, what with morning sickness and quite likely some depression. I discovered that I didnt feel any better if I talked about it (complained), and that either I got more sympathy than I found helpful, more wrap-you-in-cotton-wool responses, or was told that I did not feel that legitimately because I had wanted the pregnancy, therefore rational response was happiness. I figured out long ago that not all emotion is based on reason, and I do know that emotion is important, that stifling it and not knowing how to deal with it can, in fact, kill you. My choice has been to not have much, not risk much. Despite being told by another of my astute critics that I have no affect, I really do have both emotion and affect, but on deeper things I spend them very sparingly.

I don’t think this is wrong. What would be wrong is if I can’t hear emotion in others, and if I can’t respond to it with the difficult blend of boundary and empathy that all my work takes. I don’t always get that right, and I am not very good at the somewhat different blend that friendship takes. But I can do it, and this month has immersed me in working on it. You all can take bets on how little reformed I’ll be on return.img_0208.jpg

Today’s picture: One I bought from Dennis at common art on Wednesday, and will be bringing to Trinity to see if they’d like to have it. He says it’s copied from a door of St. Mark’s in Venice, which he may have seen in service. I rather doubt that St. Mark’s has a peace sign; Dennis put one in. Just wait till you see it in the canvas; it’s spectacular.

NOTE: if you click on the picture, you should get a larger version in a new window.

I purchased several, have shipped them all to myself c/o Trinity, so you can see the originals soon. And I’m putting many of my ecclesia photos onto a slide show, so that when I talk about it, you can look at the pictures and listen or not as you please. (and Trinity, thanks for being a mail drop!)

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